It started when a customer called me stupid today...three times. I got teary then.

It continued when I had this conversation:

coworker: Erica you're ordering CDs?! I thought you just bid on shoes off of eBay!
erica: I did. But I'm getting 3 CDs for 30 bucks...
coworker: Oh so that OT money you made is pretty much gone...
erica: No...dude you have to understand...I don't go out like...EVER. I can't remember the last time I went out.
coworker: Why not?
erica: Cause I don't have any friends.
coworker: Yes you do. What about all those people that call here...
erica: My sisters, my mom, and Zuba. And Zuba lives in New York. Far far away.
coworker: Oh. Why don't you just like...grab someone and go to the movies or rent a video or something?
erica: I have no one TO grab, man. That's my point.
coworker: Oh.

I got teary and I think he saw that.

My tears continued when I got home and my long distance was cut off. I just paid the bill two weeks ago. Everyone I call is long distance or zone. I can't call anyone even if I did have someone to call. The customer service representative at my long distance company's name is Juan. I can't understand what he is saying. I think he wants more money but I just don't know.

Perhaps this is my main problem lately. I haven't allowed myself any sort of spiritual outlet.

I need to meditate. I need to walk through the warm green garden path in my mind. I have the urge to smell the tulips filled with oppurtunity as the breeze of change gently kisses my cheek then slides on. I've all but forgotten my sturdy cobblestone throne; that's where I sit when I need to pull in the wild horses of my thoughts. The aromatic flower crown always rests on the arm of my throne; it waits there, content, until I'm ready to wear it again. I think I'm ready. The black bird hasn't heard from me in a while. I'm sure he has a lot to say; I just need to listen.

I wish I wasn't here today. I hate coming here. 'Specially today. I've noticed that I feel like that every day lately. Tis time to get a new damn job.

I bought two bras, two shirts, and two pair of tights last night. Everything is great except one of the bras..it was marked DD but the tag on the inside is a C. I held it up and wondered why it looked small. Now I have to take it back...grrr.

My wrists are feeling better today. I slept with my splints on last night. It was hard to get comfortable, but I managed. I was wicked tired and crabby. I slept almost eight hours last night but I'm still not feeling right. I think it's because I've been riding an emotional roller coaster this past week.

I thought of more useless facts that I know no one is interested in but I want to share anyhow.

I was doing so well. I was on the damn wagon. I didn't even look at a single catagory on my favorites for almost two months until today. Zuba sends me one link and the next thing I know, I'm bidding and searching and wading through screens full of crap.

For the record, Zuba did not introduce me to eBay in general. She introduced me to the joys of eBay when it comes to looking for clothes and shoes. I was already purchasing way too much Sailor Moon crap way before she told me about it. Did you know there are Sailor Moon pot and pan sets out there? I knew that cause I almost bought one, but I bought the utensil set instead.

This guy in my office asked me if I felt like Wonder Woman with them on...my new splints apparently remind him of her wrist guard things.Wonder Woman comes up too much in my life.

See. Told you I'm a wimpity wimp.

This is, of course, after I placed a call to her on Friday, one call on Monday, a call to her this morning, a call to the HMO this afternoon, another call to her after I got off the phone with the HMO, and another follow up call a half hour later. A half hour after I call her the last time she calls me with the "I got the auth" message. I knew you'd get the auth the entire time, you dumbass. My doctor wrote a prescription for the damn things. I have good medical coverage. She should have just given me the things and let me call it a day when I first went there on Friday morning.

I'm going to work some OT tonight I think. First I'm going to work through my lunch, then stay at least till 9 or 10 working OT. I can really use the extra money and I need to take advantage of it while I can.

If you ask a question and expect an answer...LISTEN to what the person is telling you. We are people. We have feelings. Answering the same exact question 5 times in the span of a 6 minute and 37 second phone call is FRUSTRATING. When we get frustrated we get angry. When we get angry we get snippy with customers. When we get snippy with customers...YOU SUFFER. See? It's a big circle.

My sisters left rather late...about 11:30...and I was already tired. We'd been laughing so hard that my cheeks and stomach were sore. I didn't mind much. I needed to laugh like that. It's not rare that I laugh out loud, but it is rare that I laugh to the point of muscle ache. It's so damn freeing. The great thing is that I don't even know what we were laughing about. At first we were laughing about the pictures that I spliced together in Photoshop. It got to the point, though, that we couldn't laugh about it any more because there was nothing more that could be said. It was just funny and we all knew it. Three files and about two hours later (give me a break...we kept cracking up), the three of us sort of let out a collective sigh. Not much was said for the next couple of minutes; we were all sort of basking in the moment of being together and having so much fun. See, we all live apart from one another. I live farthest, then Tina about 40 minutes from me, and then Claudia an hour from her. I miss them. I miss the nights when we would stay up just giggling at apparently nothing. I miss the games we used to play as kids where my bed was "safe". I miss when we would hug each other and cry. I guess it's just that I miss being in their lives every day.

So we were sitting there, contemplating what we had just done, when I asked Claudia if she'd read what Tina wrote in my guestbook. She hadn't, so I went and read it to her. Claudia started asking me about this here site. I showed her the different things I've done with it, including the random shot to the right there. Lightbulb! I want the three of us on there to capture the fun we'd had. I turn on the cam software. Tina says, "Look there you are!" and giggles. That was all she wrote. We were like a bunch of kids playing with a toy. We made funny faces, gave each other bunny ears, stuck out our tongues, and laughed laughed laughed. No matter how hard we tried, none of us could keep a straight face. Tina laughed. I laughed. Claudia laughed. It's been so long since I saw them laugh like that. Hell, it's been so long since I laughed like that. It was unbelievably therapudic.

So they left and there I was, in my computer chair all alone again. I was so happy that we'd just had a great evening together, but sad at the same time. Sad because I miss them and sad because I should laugh like that more often. Sad because they both deserve to laugh like that more often.

I putzed around on the computer for a few minutes until I realized how heavy my eyelids felt. Since I was now aware of this situation, I decided it best to go to sleep. It was now 12:20.

I tossed and turned for a good 45 minutes. I know because my clock radio turned off while I was still awake. I usually set it for 30 minutes. I turned it back on. I fluffed my pillows. I turned on my side, then on my back. Covers on, covers off, legs out, legs tucked in. I kept telling my brain to shut down, damn it, just shut down. It wasn't listening to me. I hate that my brain is so damn disobiedient.

See, I was worrying about my sisters. I was worrying that Claudia was never going to be truely happy. I was worrying that Tina was going to have to take a job that she hates and I was pissed because she deserves better. I was thinking about how lucky I am to have them in my life, but mad because I couldn't see them more often. I was wondering what our lives would be like in ten years. Who would have a baby first? I hope we all live near one another so we can always have dinner on Sundays. Maybe Claudia and I really should move in together; we'd make great room mates. I worry about her a lot. I worry about Tina too.

And then I started to cry out of frustration and anger...frustration that I couldn't sleep and frustration for Tina and her job situation and anger that I couldn't sleep and anger for Claudia and her arm situation. I cried for a good 45 minutes. I know this because my clock radio turned off again. I turned it back on.

So now it's somewhere in the two o'clock realm...I don't remember exactly. I put my head down on my pillow, stopped crying, and instantly fell asleep. I guess I fell asleep, because the next time I looked at the clock it was 3:42. I cursed the damn clock, got up, went to the bathroom (I know I've written about my middle of the night bathroom ritual before), and went back to bed. Fifteen minutes after four now; still not sleeping. Roll over. I guess I fell asleep again, but I woke up at 5:45. At least I'm consistant with my insomnia. Curse the clock. Curse the fact that I have to wake up in an hour and forty-five minutes. Roll over again. Wake up at 6:50. Curse. Roll over. 7:20...fuck it just get up.