Dear F,I guess I just don't understand you. What's worse is that I don't quite understand why I want to understand you. I guess it's just that whole mystery thing, though I don't quite know what is so mysterious about you for crying out loud. I guess it's because you refuse to open up to me, which is fine I suppose. I just hate feeling like I'm constantly playing tug-o-war with you to have a conversation with me. Yet if I don't talk...something is always "wrong". I guess that just makes me feel as if you think I'm not worth sharing your secrets. That's fine too, but don't expect me to share mine any more. I'm not here to amuse you; I'm not here for your sexual satisfaction either. Don't count on me being accessable. I am not stupid. You make me feel stupid.
I don't even know what I want or what I expect or how I feel. I am also very sick of trying to figure those things out.
E.
That's okay...I'd still have a crush on him if I was younger.
And as a side note...Krispy Kreme was founded by the devil incarnate.
Perhaps these disorders seem "trendy" to you, Miss Snow Queen, but let me tell you THEY ARE REAL. People suffer. People hurt. People DIE from this shit. For someone that is admittedly a "bible thumper", you're awfully full of hate. Oh wait...that's not hate...that's closed-mindedness and naïveté.
Gross. I just sneezed and something stringy and clear flew onto the lens of my glasses. Thank goodness this is a short work week. I'm already going insane and its only 2.5 hours into it.
What is it about me that makes the people close to me want to run? I've had so many good friends that I've lost because of some unknown (to me) reason that is never explained and I'm never told WHY. Do I not make enough effort? Am I selfish? Moody? Do I not give enough? Too much? I just don't know any more. I'm so done trying to understand other people; I barely understand myself these days. What the hell is happening to me? Why do I feel so alone? Why did I spend that last four days alone in the house...barely leaving at all or seeing other humans? Why do I feel like I can't say anything or stick up for myself or express how I really feel?
I want, more than anything, to march up to Kelly's door and tell her to her face exactly how I feel and how her actions make me feel. There are things that I need to say to her. There are things I need for her to hear. I just can't do it. Got up the courage once, but she wasn't there. I went to her website again today; I guess it's because it's the only way I can get a peek into her life at all. I miss her badly. Very badly.
I'm starting to worry about myself...if that makes any sense. I don't leave the house cept to go to work or the store. I can't remember the last time I went out somewhere fun that didn't involve my parents' house. I honestly can't remember.
No wonder I'm depressed.
So I love my new design. Yeehaw.I'm back at work so be prepared for much bloggation today. I hate this place even more after four days of being away from it. Sigh sigh triple sigh.
I'm getting kind of used to being alone in the house now...and I'm actually kind of enjoying it. I didn't freak out at all last night after dark. Not once. Well okay, maybe a few times but not anything out of the norm for me...even when people are there. I think it was mostly because of the fireworks that continued until 1am. Plus the cat was flipping out and walking all over my face...circling my body over and over...trying to find somewhere to sleep apparently. I tried to kick him out of the bed but he wasn't havin that. He slept in the crook of my leg. It was sort of sweet after it moved past annoying.
I hurt my back yesterday; I thought I still had my Wonder Woman underoos on. I moved the (very old very full) fridge and also my (very big and VERY overly full) dresser. The dresser takes two people to move it when its empty. I don't know what possessed me to think that I could move it yesterday...just a couple inches. Now my back hurts cause I'm hard headed.
Boys are still dumb...dumber than I remembered actually.
HOT. SO fucking hot and sweaty right now. FEH.I've been working for the past hour at trying to get my clothes situation under control. I have bagged up 2.5 big black lawn trash bags of clothes. I've also thrown away various trinkets and candle holders, and also my old cordless phone. My mission for this summer is to get rid of half of the stuff I own...cause that's all that it is, mostly...STUFF. I'm going to have a problem when it comes to my books...I can feel it already...MUST. RESIST.
Damn. If I have this muct stuff at age (almost) 25...how much shit am I going to have at age 65?! Gotta weed some of this out...that's for sure...
Remember when I said that I'd like to live alone and have my own place where no one was around?I lied.
I hate being alone here in this big scary house. Two days and I haven't really left for more than a few minutes at a time...even that was only 3 times. Sigh. No money, no where to go, and no one to do anything with...my life is pretty pathetic. The highlight of today was when it rained for a little while and I collected some rainwater for my plants. Wooooooweeeeee.
I do like being alone in that I can come and go when I please. I could go out to the movies or shopping if I had any money...and I would have no problem with that. Hmm...a movie sounds great actually...hmmm...
