Well I guess technically it was this morning, but who's really counting?

We went on a date. A real honest to goodness date, with sweaty palms and diligently chosen outfits and everything.

On the way, we stopped and got a cappucino at BP and you filled your tank. You asked me what kind I wanted...vanilla or something with 'nut' in it. I said vanilla, smiled at you, blushed, and went to the bathroom. I came out and there you were, holding two of the largest cups I'd ever seen. They were red. They had handles. You grinned and handed me one. The side of the cup said "Belly Buster" and that made you laugh, so that's why you chose them. I laughed with you and sipped my reconsitituted cap.

We went to the movies at this outdoor theater place. It isn't a real place, but imagine if Pine Knob showed movies and you'll have a pretty good idea. So we sat in the seats and some dumb movie came on, but we didn't watch it because we were too busy laughing. Laughing at the Belly Busters, laughing at each other, laughing at other people, laughing, laughing. People started to look at us and say, "Shhhhh!" but we didn't care about that either.

You brought a blanket because you knew I'd get cold after the sun went down. I did. You covered us up under the red flannel. Our eyes met. We both smiled. My head fell easily onto your shoulder. Your fingers brushed the curls from my face. I liked that and you knew it, so you started to run fingers down the length of my hair. I felt comfortable and safe.

Then I woke up puffy-eyed and ran to my computer to write this so I wouldn't forget.

I feel better (read: didn't cry) today, but I think it's just because I'm talking about this crap and actually *doing* something about it.

Mr. 'Butrin made me feel a little bit hyper this afternoon...like I'd had too much coffee or something only I didn't have any coffee at all. As a matter of fact, I am WIDE AWAKE right now and it's almost 11. I woke up at 6am. I should be tired but I'm just not. Feh.

I talked to Karen B. (doc) about Meridia. She said no no cause she hasn't had anyone do well with it and I can't take it if I'm friends with Mr. Butrin anyhow. She suggested the good ol' stand by Weight Watchers if I am concerned about my weight. It was sort of ironic because moms actually suggested that to me only minutes previous. She wants me to go with her (she's a Weight Watcher gal herself) and I am seriously considering it. I know I have this picture in my head of what it's like, but things rarely actually turn out to be like the images I have of them. I could try it a few times...it surely can't hurt. I'll prolly end up losing weight once I start feeling better mentally anyhow. That's part of my cycle, too. Up down up down up down like an acrobatic frog on steroids.

I think this site will give me an easy way to keep track of my moods and how I'm dealing regarding my new affair with Mr. Butrin. Who knows, I might just help someone going through the same thing. I know, I know, typical Jenny Jones guest answer...but I honestly feel that way. I wish I'd had stumbled upon something like this years ago...maybe I would have gotten help and stuck with it.

I've had depression pretty much since about age 12. I can remember wishing I would die at that young of an age. I've dealt with it on and off since then (I'm 24 now) by going to different thereapists and taking different medications. I never stuck with either for very long; I'd start feeling better and then quit both meds and doctor visits. I'd crash and feel worse than I did when I started. This has been an endless cycle that is my life.

This latest battle has been the worst in about 7 years or so. I did, however, manage to go to work and keep my job...which is something that I couldn't do before. I guess it comes with having a car payment and feeling responsible. This battle has been different though, and not in good ways. I've been showing signs of big time stress...can't eat without getting a stomach ache, I wake up because I'm grinding my teeth so hard (I never did that before), and I just plain ol' never relax. I find myself white knuckled clenching the steering wheel when I drive. My jaw is always clamped shut. My shoulders are up to my ears and I don't like any of this.

I've decided that I can't live this this...I don't deserve it. I deserve better. I went to the doctor this morning and my mom went with me. Told you she's the best, didn't I? :) Now that I feel like I have her to stand by me I feel like I really can beat this once and for all. I guess that's what was missing before. Thanks mom!

The doctor put me on Welbutryn. Feh. She says it's an "uplifting" drug. We'll see how that goes. sigh.

I just totally pumped out Zuba's new site. I rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrawk.

wooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrk

ever
again in
my

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife

cause
it
really supa dupa mega hugely

I feel crappy today so I called in late. I need some time alone right now, damn it, and work just has to wait. They can kiss my grits.

Sigh.

At least my hair looks kind of good. It's on the crusty side, but not over the top.

see? not bad not bad.

Just one more thing: my mom is thee *BEST* lady ever to grace the planet. Really, she is. I can't express how glad I am that she is not only my mother, she's my friend too. She made me feel so much better tonight. She actually had me LOL. :)

I miss Mandi. I miss her craziness. I miss her brash openess. I miss her smile. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

I miss Lynette. I miss her smiling face. I miss partying with her. I miss staying up till all hours and dishing. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

Humiliation story #1 today:

Lunch time today...I mosey over to Walgreens (incidently, I've decided that I'm not going to shop there any more...the lines are out of control) to replace the Cetaphil that I left in Madison (boo). I wander around in the way too air conditioned store for a few minutes and pick up cleanser, moisturizer, shampoo (I'm too poor to buy my normal expensive good kind. boo #2), and Excedrin Migraine (best stuff ever for headaches). I give the grump-o cashier my 21.06 and make my way to the truck. I realize what time it is and decide that it's too late to get fried rice, so I drive to the coney island that is in the same plaza as the evil Walgreen's. I park, walk in, and order...veggie pita with light mayo (they always put a big ol' nasty gelatinous glob of the stuff on) and an order of fries. Oh, and of course a Pepsi since I'm like a two bit crack whore when it comes to that stuff. Anyhow, I'm there at the counter waiting for my order...the waitress oh-so-kindly reminds the greasy cook that I wanted light mayo. Mr. Grease Ball looks directly into my face and says, "Are you sure you don't want HEAVY mayo?" Because you know since I'm fat I just like my food swimming in nastiness just so I can get fatter.

I'm so sick of my job. I'm past the point of hating it and to the point of "I don't care if I call in sick and I don't care if I'm late and I don't care if I don't work". I just need a leave of absence to get my head straight. Of course then I wouldn't be getting paid so that would make it worse.

I dread coming here. I can't believe how much I hate it...and I'm two weeks away from my two year anniversary. FEH.

Since yesterday was Tuesday, my entire family met for pizza. We've been doing that for...oh about 6 years now I guess. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends of the family...everyone...goes to the same bar/restaurant and eats half off pizza together. It's really a super cool thing. I heart Tuesdays for just that reason.

Last night I went to pizza but only stayed for twenty minutes. I had to run to the bathroom and cry a little bit so none of my family would see. I left the bathroom and told my mom I was leaving. She asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She said okay and I left.

I'm so sick of fighting.

I fight to wake up.
I fight to get out of bed.
I fight to get dressed.
I fight to drive to work.
I fight to stay at work.
I fight to talk to customers.
I fight to come back from lunch.
I fight to not quit.
I fight traffic.
I fight being poor.
I fight to pay bills.
I fight to meet people.
I fight to keep friends.
I fight to think I have a future.
I fight to think I'm smart.
I fight the word "fruitball".
I fight to look at myself in the mirror.
I fight my skin.
I fight my body.
I fight tears.
I fight pain.
I fight to hide those last two.
I fight food.
I fight stereotypes.
I fight to type these words.
I fight to keep my mouth shut.
But most of all, I fight myself.

I am fighting, now, sounding like a god damn after school special.

Yesterday:
woke up. had to leave. got scolded by cranky badger bus driver. got on coach usa bus. sat on said bus approx 4 hours.
arrived in chicago. got off of said bus. smoked.
sat in hot as hell bus station several hours. went upstairs to overpriced food court. ordered veggie fried rice. they were out. had to wait.
ate veggie fried rice doused in sweet and sour sauce. found a smoking section. got happy. sat on high stool.
creepy man told me of his troubles. he said he was on his way back from washington dc where he buried his parents. they got killed by a drunk driver on the way home from their anniversary dinner. then he, apparently, fell asleep in the train station and got pick pocketed. too bad so sad for you, mr. man. i'm not giving you anything. stop bothering me. you're weird.
leave high stool table, cig unfinished.
mosey downstairs to the terminal. get out 'bitch'. read articles about the delia's catalog and hair removal. lay my head down on my bags. want a nap.
realize that mr. creepy man might have been telling the truth and decide that sleeping with all of my bags isn't a good idea in this here train station. curse.
find locker(s) for luggage. woohoo. pay 1.50 for a half hour's worth of luggage-free time. walk across the street to the cool side of union station. smoke.
get picked up by some crazy bum guy that uses the, "don't i know you from somewhere" line. leave yet another smoke unsmoked. run inside away from creepy man numero two.
take a couple of pictures of marble lady in union station and marble stairs from some gangster movie also in union station. wonder if creepy guy #2 has left the doorway yet. decide it best to go out another door.
run back to locker before half hour is up because i don't have another 1.50 and i don't want amtrak to keep my bags.
pile bags and self into chairs. read from fat!so? book. get teary a couple of times. watch a lot of people kiss and cry and laugh.
sat next to people from england that said blimey and bloody. thought they were cute old people. i heart old people that aren't crabby.
finally got called to go get on train 354. yay business class!
got seated. got my free paper and my meal ticket. had to sit by a lady i didn't want to sit next to.
four single lady travelers all in the back row where i was. it ended up being super cool, but that deserves its own entry.
tried to sleep. read some. listened to tori amos and dead can dance.
finally got to sleep in dearborn...30 minutes from my stop. damn it.
get off train, smile when i see my truckie.
throw bags in passenger seat. note to self: seat is way pushed forward. move back before attempting to enter.
move seat back. load myself into truck. smile when i see note from my way too cute sisters. it says cheese and has 35 cents on it. i don't read it because i'm too frickin tired. will read tomorrow, i think.
arrive home. unpack bags. run to door.
door locked. curse. drop bags.
walk to front door. knock. knock. knock. hope amy's awake. think about alternative plans. i could sleep in my truck, i guess.
whew. she comes to door. i freak her out by accident of course. sorry.
i need help unlocking side door. i can't do it...dunno how. must. get. help. she helps. has no problem. i curse.
i drag bags in and let them fall where they may. i check plants.
plants. dead. i cry. literally.
i frantically water the little buggers.
i cry.
they're dead.
dead dead.
cry s'more.
turn on computer. hmm...the fan is kind of loud.
try to check blog. buzz sorry. bappy say no no checkie bloggie.
curse.
talk to dolemite on aim. curse and cry about plants and fact that cat box stinks. peeeeeeeeeeyoooooou.
decide it best to sleep.
change. go to wash face. realize i left cetaphil in madison.
curse yet again. cry more.
crawl into bed face unwashed.
wish i'd taken tuesday off.
curse more.
sleep. sort of.

I emailed my host, bappy.com, complaining about the FTP being down.

They emailed me back...within an hour! Check it:

Hi Erica, thanks for bringing this FTP problem to my attention. I've spoken
with technical support and the server administrators about the problem,
(I was able to verify it from my end too, so it's definitely a problem.) They
are working on it now, but didn't have a solid ETA, the thought is that it
shouldn't be more than a few hours at most. (They tell me that your
visitor's access to the site should still be ok, it's just the FTP that's
affected.) Please let me know if the problem continues. Thanks for your
patience, and sorry for the inconvenience.

-Thomas

Insanely cool. Insanely.

I still can not post. Damn technology!

I called Richter's again and they STILL haven't filled my order. What up with that? They said it should be ready for Monday shipment. Whatevah.

My garden is 100% dead dead dead...the seeds that I've been caring for over the past month...well they all died. They didn't get watered. They were *BONE* dry.

Either that or the cats got to them all, but I doubt that cause the soil was reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally dry.

My trip was fun and relaxing. C & D are great people! I dunno though...I think they thought I was a little bit strange and not in a good way.

I got to see State Street and lots of people with dreads. I bought books and a magazine and a tea strainer. De has super cute hair, even though she doesn't always think so. We had potato pie. I heart their kitties. I saw a Dennis Hopper look alike. We went into the Wisconsin capital building and we couldn't find a potty. C makes good ass coffee. Their apartment rrrrrrrrrrrrrrocks.

There are a couple of stories that I think deserve their own entries...so I'm sure I'll be posting them today.